Blog #2: The Prose Passage Benchmark Essay

Draft #1:

In The Known World by Edward P. Jones, Jones describes the mental journey of Moses to move on from a safe and loving, but unchanging and regressive, lifestyle in a cabin village. By displaying vivid detail of Moses' affinity to eating dirt as well as imagery describing the surroundings of Moses, all encapsulated in a deep, intimate third person point of view, Jones paints Moses as a characters who has the determination to move on by breaking the status quo.

The author initially uses great detail to describe the tight bond that Moses had with his family and friends in the cabin village. Clear sensory descriptions life "metallic life" and sour moldiness" of the dirt that Moses tastes proves that Moses has lived in the village so comfortably that he can taste the differences even in his hometown's dirt, by season. Jones also describes the eating of dirt as "the only thing in his small world that meant almost as much as his own life." Moses tasted dirt not for bodily necessity, but for his mental necessity of once more being connected to his hometown before he has to leave for an entirely different lifestyle. The fact that Moses finds the world as small implicated a determination to move forward, a determination to do better, a determination to find more.

This determination revealed through the first half of he passage blossoms successfully into a clear depiction of Moses' character.

Just in the next paragraph, Jones uses atmospheric and auditory imagery to further Moses' journey to a new life. The author first spits out the words "home and food and rest and what passed in may cabins" to emphasize the great comfort and protection that Moses had while living in his village. Readers already know that Moses is planning to leave. But what makes him want to leave, when his current lifestyle has all the necessities to mold a healthy, sustained person?

This is his determined character, his deep desire to change and do better. The author includes revealing auditory cures that hint at a faint "sound of playing children" at one side of Moses' head, but on the other side, Moses hears "more clearly the last bird of the day." This is the crucial moment that finally turns the story forward, that drives Moses' character from still somewhat meek to full-on impassioned. No longer tempted by the sound of happy village children, by the safety of his home and family, he urges the sound of the bird in the forest to whisk him into a new life. The fourth paragraph clearly shows Moses' transition into and passion for change.

Once the author finally takes Moses and the readers into the forest, everyone gets an intimate closeup of Moses' point of view, all alone, but unafraid nonetheless. Rain flowing down on his face symbolizes both a cleansing of his past life and an acceptance of the new world.

Essay score: 4

Reflection After Draft #1:

My first draft of The Known World's Prose Passage essay has a couple of major issues, which understandably limit the essay's score to a 4. First off, I significantly misunderstand the passage and its relationship to the prompt. I fail to see that Moses was a slave; I instead focus on his determination to escape a life of monotony, which ultimately fails to illustrate what Edward P. Jones is actually describing in the passage. I also fail to finish my final paragraph, which would have included a crucial last piece of evidence and the overall conclusion. The lack of the final paragraph offers an unconvincing analysis of the prompt.

Storyboard (lines 41-64)

Shifts Chart

Three Sentence Thesis:

In The Known World, author Edward P. Jones reveals the complexity of the character of Moses through the juxtaposition of freedom and slavery. Moses, a slave, seeks to form a deeper connection between himself and the land he is enslaved upon, in turn, making him feel free. By incorporating vivid details of a close-up of Moses in the field, Jones effectively exposes Moses as a man of true passion for self-identity and nature.

Draft #2 (done with table group):

In The Known World, author Edward P. Jones reveals the complexity of the character of Moses through the juxtaposition of freedom and slavery. Moses, a slave, seeks to form a deeper connection between himself and the land he is enslaved upon, in turn, making him feel free. By incorporating vivid details of a close-up of Moses in the field, Jones effectively exposes Moses as a man of true passion for self-identity and nature.

In the beginning, Jones clearly expresses that Moses lives with family. Moses works along with “young ones, his son among them” (ll. 4-5). His relationship to his family, however, is actually quite weak. Jones describes Moses’ peers with “hunger and tiredness” (ll. 3-4), exposing a fundamental gap between the connection of Moses and other humans. These concrete words used to describe these people - as opposed to more personal, intimate descriptions - ultimately give a tone of unsympathetic distance. Moses is not a man of the people.

After the opening lines of the passage, Jones changed the focus from Moses’ peers to the nature around him by using selective details and vivid imagery. Moses described the Sun as “a five-inch-long memory of red orange laid out in still waves across the horizon between two mountains” (ll. 11-13). This vivid description of the Sun and how Moses perceives it is crucial to the beginning of the passage as it reveals his desire to be close with the nature around him and shows that he is more focused on the land than he was in the beginning of the passage about his peers. Moses’ love for the land he lives on sharply contrasts with the idea of him being in bondage to the land through man.

Moses’ connection to the land is reinforced as Jones focuses back on Moses, as he bends down to eat a pinch of dirt. Jones gives specific details to show that Moses eats the dirt to tie him closer to the land. Jones makes the distinction that Moses does not eat it for the same reason as the “bondage woman” (l. 25). By using the word ‘bondage’, Jones once again shows that while Moses is a slave, he finds freedom in nature. The text then goes on to describe the taste of the dirt in great detail. Through this description, the reader is shown Moses’ perspective, and how he can describe the taste, because he is close with the land. This “sour moldiness” (l. 37) is said to be “the end of a relationship [Moses] had begun with the first taste of dirt back in March” (ll. 38-39). Through this specific word choice, Jones is once again emphasizing the intimacy between Moses and the land.

Once he finishes tasting the dirt of the earth, Moses further engrosses himself into his surrounding nature. Even after the setting of the sun, Moses still experiences a warm embrace from the black of night, with “the darkness having taken a nice hold of him” (ll. 41-42). No matter, what the condition of each day is, if Moses is experiencing the earth’s natural events, he feels a comfort and joy that fails to arise when he is with people. This shift into a more comforting and embracing tone highlights just how influential nature is to Moses, which thus furthers his personal connection to the land itself.

The characterization further continues when Jones changes the point of view to  Moses’s family when Moses breathes in the smell of rain. Jones provides context details of Moses’s family life, such as how “his wife knew enough now not to wait for him to come and eat with them” (ll. 55-56). Because Moses feels more homely within nature, instead of joining his own family for dinner, the author provides crisp details as to how Moses possess such deep connections with the land he toils upon every single day. Furthermore, when Jones resumes to the narrative after providing context details, he points out that as Moses is traveling to the forest, he hears the sound of children playing, but when he turns back, the only sound he hears is the sound of “the last bird of the day”(l. 63). Through this concrete example, Jones is able to portray Moses’s deep preference of nature, such as the bird chirping, in favor of humanity, from the child playing.  

Jones reveals Moses as a true man of the land, but not as a man of the people. Moses has an occupational relationship with his peers, who works alongside him every day “for all of fifteen hours’(ll. 14-15). However, this connection is not intimate. This connection doesn’t reveal a personal connection like that of Moses’ relationship with nature. Truly, Jones emphasizes nature as Moses’ most fundamental need, a need that furthers his passion for introspection.

Reflection After Draft #2:

While writing the first draft, I did not realize that I was incorrectly interpreting the passage. This may be explained by my reading of the passage quickly, in fear that I would not have enough time to create a complex thesis and provide specific evidence in the body paragraphs. Indeed, I did not have enough time to discuss symbolism in my final paragraph. Thus, I provided an inadequate, incorrect, and incomplete interpretation of the piece. My second draft, however, fixes many of these problems. For one, my second draft reveals a proper understanding of the prompt - Moses is a slave who has a deep relationship with nature while also having a lack thereof with his peers. This acknowledgement of binary opposites - nature/surroundings and Moses' inner feelings - also provides for a more complex, nuanced thesis and focus. Additionally, Draft #2 has good transitions and flow from paragraph to paragraph; each provides a specific example of a shift and its effect on revealing the character of Moses. Draft #2 also excels in spotting and explaining numerous and differing rhetorical techniques that Jones utilizes.

Having experienced this revision from Draft #1, I now understand the fundamental requirements for a higher level Prose Passage essay. I now know that not only must I understand the passage clearly, I must also find nuance and effectively highlight this complexity throughout my essay. I also now recognize the need for effective transitions to piece each piece of evidence and point of discussion together, in order to show AP graders that I see how the passage and its overall purpose are connected.

Blog #1: Open Question Benchmark Essay

Draft #1:

In almost all works of literature, readers see the story through the actions and speech of gallant and morally good protagonists. In turn, books also contain quite cruel and despicable villains to combat the hero. When a cruel act happens by the hands of the antagonist, it functions to instill a sense of emotional hatred towards that villain, which further allows for readers to be emotionally engaged in rooting for the hero's defeat of the villain. Such cruelty always reveals the villain's true evilness, which enhances the protagonist's character development when the evilness is defeated.

This elimination of cruelty to enhance the readers' admiration to the hero is successfully demonstrated in Aravind Adiga's novel, The White Tiger. The book's main character is Balram Halwai, a poor, but determined boy in India. He faces cruelty by an oppressive Indian body of rich oligarchs, who make the poor even poorer by cruelly taking their money. Adiga portrays the despicable regime's actions on the poor with emotionally charged images of the affected, which stimulates readers' emotions of hatred and disgust for the oppressive Indian government.

This is where Balram enters.

Balram, a victim of cruelty, strives to exit his life of poverty and oppression. Once a servant for a rich patron, Balram used his wit and determination to escape. As the story progresses, Balram has increasing feelings of rebellion. Because he achieved his ultimate plan of attacking the corrupt government's oppressive leash, the story ends with satisfaction. This satisfaction can be revealed only through the incorporation of a cruel villain. Readers of The White Tiger learn about the corruption of the central Indian government and feel horrified by its cruel acts. This cruelty highlights the need for the pursuits of the protagonist to stop the villain. Balram's confidence to rebel against the Indian status quo wins the support of the readers, who already understand the negative consequences of inaction. The cruelty drives the development of the protagonist as a character that is admired. Once he escapes oppression, Balram reveals himself as a true hero, the only person that can and will defeat the evil force. Cruelty reveals Balram's confidence and determination, attributes that readers may want to have for themselves.

Cruelty to the protagonist drives character development and readers' emotions, which lead to readers wanting to learn from the revealed character attributes of the protagonist.

Essay Score: 3.5

3x3 Chart:

Three Sentence Thesis:

In The White Tiger, by Aravind Adiga, the oppression by an impoverished lifestyle and negligent government encourages Balram Halwai to seek advancement in India by any means necessary. Although Balram lives most of his adolescence in humble submission, his eagerness to learn paired with his abhorrence to cruel economic disparity initially causes him to partake in his own journey of cruelty through a merciless lust for power. The same cruelty of societal oppression, however, ultimately transforms Balram into an elite with compassion for his fellow man. By depicting Balram as both a villain and hero, Adiga exposes how cruelty can bring out both the bad and the good out of someone.

Draft #2:

In The White Tiger, by Aravind Adiga, the oppression by an impoverished lifestyle and negligent government encourages Balram Halwai to seek advancement in India by any means necessary. Although Balram lives most of his adolescence in humble submission, his eagerness to learn paired with his abhorrence to cruel economic disparity initially causes him to partake in his own journey of cruelty through a merciless lust for power. The same cruelty of societal oppression, however, ultimately transforms Balram into an elite with compassion for his fellow man. By depicting Balram as both a villain and hero, Adiga exposes how cruelty can bring out both the bad and the good out of someone.

Balram's slow transition into cruelty begins with his awareness of the harsh function of the rich elite in his society. A landlord nicknamed the Buffalo, although plenty rich already, forcefully takes large sums of money from residents of Laxmangarh, who don't have enough to feed their families. Balram directly sees this oppression by observing the the harsh treatment of his father, a poor rickshaw puller, by the Buffalo. By contrasting the excessive and brutal ruling of the elite with the meek and famished demeanor of his father,
Adiga successfully emphasizes the desensitization of Balram's view of his country as fair to all.

In regards to the cruelty of his society, Balram claims, "There's no reward for entrepreneurship in most of India, Your Excellency. It's a sad fact." At this point in the book, Adiga paints Balram as utterly resentful to all of India. The ruthlessness of the rich is the force that drives Balram to abandoning all potential hindrances to a successful life, including family and colleagues.

Despite various setbacks, Balram actually does succeed in finding a fruitful job as a master's servant. Although he receives more money than he ever would have made in Laxmangarh, his prior experience of the cruel elite has molded in him an indestructible desire for more and a single goal: To become an elite. Adiga exposes the apex of Balram's transformation into cruelty by vividly describing Balram's killing of his master, saying, "I rammed [the bottle] three times into the crown of his skull, smashing through to his brains." Such detailed and gruesome language fully emphasizes to readers the sheer brutality that a once civil and obedient boy can inherit. By tugging at his inner sense of injustice, the cruelty of society handily molded Balram into a heartless savage.

But just as India transforms Balram into a savage, his cruel society also brings out an inner, humanly sense of change. Now that Balram is at the top of the social hierarchy, Adiga once again transforms Balram, but this time into a man of compassion. By looking back at adolescent life -- constant cruelty by rich landlords -- and his lapses into brutality -- abandoning his family and killing his master -- Balram develops motivation, not to get to the top by any means necessary, but to give a helping hand to his fellow countrymen, especially those who receive the brunt of societal cruelty. Balram wholeheartedly declares, "I don't want to lose contact with the places where I got my real education in life." By Balram's close examination of the immorality of social cruelty, Adiga fully develops him into a mercenary for the social justice of the people who helped him grow up: the affected poor.

The concept of cruelty in The White Tiger acts as the main plot and character device in the book. Vivid descriptions of society's cruelty, of Balram's cruelty, and of Balram's ascent into a combatant of cruelty truly reveal the plasticity of the human mindset. Anyone can be influenced by cruelty to do bad. But those same people have the power to do good as well.

Revised Essay Score: 6

Reflection:

My Draft #1 of the cruelty essay scored a 3.5, and I can understand why. It lacks a number of things. For one, my essay is too short. Such a short essay will not give the AP grader a good impression; he/she will probably think that little thought and effort is going to be put into the essay. Furthermore, my essay has no specific evidence or quotations about how cruelty functions in the book and what cruelty reveals about my character. My writing also lacks a complex thesis and theme of argument. The analysis is incomplete and oversimplified.

At the time that I wrote Draft #1, I felt very nervous about not finishing the essay. Instead of choosing a complex thesis for my analysis, I chose a safe one that was easier to argue. Having completed the book a while ago, I didn't have the necessary skill to write about my book well. In turn, I couldn't think of any specific evidence to use. My Draft #2 essay fixes many of these problems. I feel that this revision gives a more insightful view of cruelty in my book. I more thoroughly reveal how societal cruelty shapes my main character into both an immoral and moral person. I also use more specific textual evidence, like quotations. A more complex topic of interest, specific quotations, and a longer and more insightful essay are more likely to reach a high score from AP graders. And indeed, my second draft increased to a higher score - a 6.

Having experienced this revision my my Draft #1, I feel like I have a better grasp of what AP graders what when they read Open Question essays. I now realize that a complex essay is miles above an oversimplified, but safe essay. I also know that I must provide concrete, specific evidence from my text, which lets readers know that I put a lot of thought into my writing. I must now also be well-versed in the implicit themes of my book so that I can write a longer and more effective essay.

Star Wars/Archetypal Hero Party

Today, I experienced a Star Wars-themed party for the very first time. A party, just a week and a half into the new school year!

For this party, I dressed as Darth Vader, everyone's favorite intergalactic villain. My costume consisted of a Darth Vader mask, which came with a Halloween costume I got back in elementary school. In order to match the Sith Lord's choice of dark attire, I wore a black jacket and black shorts. To top off the costume, I tied a dark gray cape around my neck to truly bring out Vader's essence as a robust imperial leader.

Me as Darth Vader, third from the top right.

I also brought some snacks, which were my Imperial Fleeta Chips and Cheese. To make this dish, I first cut out about 30 large triangles and 30 small rectangles of both mozzarella and cheddar cheese. After spreading cheese dip on my triangular pita chips and triangles of cheese, I placed the mozzarella and cheddar on top of the chips to make shapes representing Imperial Star Destroyers from the movies. The whole process took a little over an hour. You can see what they look like below.

Cheddar fleet above, mozzarella fleet below.

I then aligned the chips containing mozzarella and the chips containing cheddar on opposite sides of the pan, as if to display two different fleets of the Dark Side ships. Thus, my cheese and crackers snack truly represented an Imperial fleet, hence the name Imperial Fleeta (Pita) Chips and Cheese.